My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.
If someone asks if I have time to talk about Jesus I tell them yes but they have to give me an equal amount of time to talk about Ducktales.
ME: *Donates my body to science*
SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?
DATE:I have 2 kids
ME:I love kids!
D:Good! They-
M:Wait, the human or goat kind?
D:
M:*Trying to contain excitement* Is-is it the goat kind?
1ST MAN: I’m sorry, I-
1ST HORSE: It’s fine.
M:
H:
M: It’s just why BOTH walk? So I thoug-
H: I said it’s fine Gary, stop bringing it up!
HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
REPORTER: How do you feel after serving 6 months under house arrest?
ME: I did not realize that had started.
{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.
All these pregnancy photos are so annoying. It’s like, “Ugh, we get it, you ate a baby.”
Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.
If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.
{In class}
ME: Uggh! When will I ever even need to know this?!PRENATAL INSTRUCTOR: Again, when your wife has the baby.