i remember as a kid being like “Wow as an adult i’ll be able to buy as much candy as i want whenever i want” which turned out to be completely true and as amazing as i imagined
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We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket
Masseuse: happy ending?
Me: oh yeah*20 minutes later
Masseuse: …and then Tom Hanks shows up in the park and yells the dog’s name, and Meg Ryan just knows he’s the one she loved all along…
Me: OMG their love is so pure 😭
Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.
Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can’t deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you’re scaring the kids
It would be so much less cinematic if they remade The Crow but it was a movie called The Seagull and it’s just a guy who runs about screaming for no reason and steals people’s food.
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
inventor of murder: I’m going to make a killing
A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.
Wife: why are there 8 knives on the ground?
Me: *points to the dead spider* it was self defence and that’s exactly what you’ll tell the cops when they get here
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
One of the meatballs
I made rolls off his plate bounces off the floor and back onto the plateMe: that wasn’t even close to five seconds…you can still eat that
Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids
Priest: You May now kiss the bride.
Goth couple: *scowls*
Priest: *Sigh* You may Now bestow one final graven kiss upon this queen of winter throned.
My mom always said I would be great at something…..who knew it would be at bad decisions
[talking to son on the phone]
“I ran away 3 weeks. You never called the police”
I’m sorry. We’ve been very busy with the holidays and all.
Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.
I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.
5 and I are playing “guess the number I’m thinking of” with no limits and no clues. He’s guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”
Me: Sees Video
Me: Checks Internet
How to get your kids to stop coming with you to Target:
Son: Mom, can you buy this for me?
Me: I’m not your Mom.
Son: Mom, stop.
Me: Let’s go find your Mom.
Son: MOM, STOP!
Me: SECURITY!
[Sperm Bank]
DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy
Bae: Come over.
Romeo: Can’t. You’re a Capulet, I’m a Montague.
Bae: Deny thy father and refuse thy name; come over.
Romeo: Also, you’re 13.
*kids walking
Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!
Kids: Okay!
*continue walking at exactly the same pace
Me: Both of our hamsters died and we just can’t part with them
Taxidermist: Would you like them mounted?
Me: Um no, just holding hands
I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.
I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is
Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.