Our Alexa flashes every time we get an Amazon delivery, which is why there are 200 teens at the door thinking we’re throwing a rave.
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Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.
I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…
I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive
[eating paste]
Here’s what I think…
[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.
I believe that 1/3rd of the twin population is actually living as their sibling and don’t know it. Like they got switched during bath time and never went back.
I missed one episode of the news and now I have no clue wtf is happening.
Yogi Bear: You gonna eat that?
Hiker: THAT’S A BABY.
YB: And I’m a talking bear.
Hiker:
YB:
Hiker:
YB: So where are we on that baby?
Couples therapist: what scares you the most?
Wife: that we slowly lose respect for each other
Me: when the washing machine goes really fast
The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.
Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.
Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?
Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.
me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person
If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it
who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure
Me: Watcha got there?
8: Lemonade.
Me: What kind?
8: Mike’s
Me: Nooooooo
I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,
“Hi”.
I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.
[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right
Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.
Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.
Waiting in the coffee drive-thru line impatiently watching the driver in front of me chatting with the barista and my 12 y/o sighs and says, “C’mon, lady, she’s not your therapist, move along.” Never get between a middle school girl and her Frappuccino.
One day we’re gonna discover that Squarespace has been committing countless mysterious murders, solely to fuel the Murder Podcast Industry, their no.1 source of advertisement
My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.
I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.
My neighbor is power washing his driveway for the third day in a row so to make him stop I’m sending over a marriage counselor.
Co-worker small talk at work today: How was your weekend?
Me: Don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it
Not long enough ahhh haha ha
Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.