If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?
A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.
I’m not convinced that Trader Joe’s is actually inspired by a trader named Joe, and isn’t about someone trading exclusively in guys named Joe
Monday?
No. Next question.
I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado
Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists
You think you’ve got problems? This is what I’m having for dinner
Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing
Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately
I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow
“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests
Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 6
Baby, it takes two to tango
But only one to tequila.
Hey boy, are you a software update because not now