Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.
*waits several days to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
*waits a week to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that
*waits a month to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
Wife: I didn’t buy the shirt because it was too crepey
Me: Creepy?
W: Crepey
M: Crappy?
W: Crepey!
M: Oh, okay…
W: You have no idea, do you?
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid we only had one uncoated pain reliever that started dissolving the second it hit your tongue.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….
How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?
Men: 58
Women: 1
I hate when my boss wants to talk politics and asks me things like why isn’t your report done and why are you always late?
What’s it called when you plant a ghost pepper plant and when it starts making peppers you don’t eat them because you’re afraid they’ll be too hot?
I’m that
Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”
All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
Top Seven Cereal Brands with Sexual Innuendo:
6. Lucky Charms
5. Cream of Wheat
4. Grape Nuts
3. Trix
2. Honey Smacks
1. Nut ‘n Honey
All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.
Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?
I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.
*ignores high blood pressure*
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.