Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.
Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?
All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.
How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?
Men – 2
Women – 1,768
Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…
If your doctor has to google something right in front of you, you’re probably going to die.
Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.
What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur
“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”
~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad
I just saw an 18 year old Girl Scout selling cookies in her uniform and I don’t know how to finish this tweet without sounding really creepy
[Me getting cut off in traffic]
GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING!
[Notices USMC sticker]
AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!
Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.
Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.