I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.
Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!
Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.
Wife: Don’t you hate when you eat something that’s not very satisfying but it’s too late to eat something else?
Me: Too late?
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…
Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
You know it’s a BBQ type holiday weekend when there are a thousand people in the spice aisle at the grocery store just staring at the spices
Me: Wait, you think I’m a slow learner?
Wife: (two years earlier) Why are you such a slow learner?
I don’t get the uproar over guns made with 3D printers. I mean how would anyone get a potential victim to put those glasses on anyway?
“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”
~Dogs probably
Protip: To get teens to help bring in groceries, always ask if they want anything before you leave. They’ll be waiting at the door when you return.
Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.
I love eating my wife’s snacks because she seals them well and they stay crisp but if I eat more later, they’re no longer crisp because I didn’t seal them. So you see my dilemma.