Dress sloppy at work and people will think you don’t know what you’re doing. Dress too nice and people will think you know what you’re doing. So you see my dilemma.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.
“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”
~Shampoo developers probably
Spoiler alert: Sometimes accountants are boring on purpose because we think it’s funny when we see people’s eyes glaze over.
All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.
[Leaving for work]
*can’t find computer bag*
*looks for computer bag*
*finds computer bag*
*sets down computer bag*
*uses restroom*
*can’t find computer bag*
Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.
All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”
Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.
“See you on the other side…”
~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone
Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.
(I didn’t say best, I said creative)
*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*
Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.
Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?
Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!