Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.
If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.
I know this now.
I just labeled the folder with my passwords in my computer bag “PW” rather than “Passwords” in case anyone wants me on their encryption team
No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…
Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.
The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…
What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?
Payday
Protip: If your wife asks you “When are you going to clean that up?” never respond with “I was waiting for someone else to do it.”
Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…
I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.
It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?
They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.