All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.
Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.
The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.
I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!
Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.
[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
Guys, don’t panic if you find a sticky note from your wife in the morning with only the word “garbage” on it. It’s probably just trash day.
The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
[God making sausages]
Angel: What’s next?
God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing
*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*
Ever smell a permanent marker and accidently color the tip of your nose black?
Related: They’re called permanent markers for a reason.
I sent a coworker a 15 page document as 15 one page PDF files rather than one 15 page PDF file.
Passive-aggressive level achieved: Expert