God making Khaki
God: I want a material that can be dressed up or dressed down
Angel: Nice!
G: But it shows every pee drip
A: Hilarious!
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?
Protip: Women do not consider puffer fish to be a cute pet name or compliment.
A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.
My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!
So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
How many coworkers have to ask you “what’s that pee smell” before you admit you’re wearing a new cologne?
Is it four? Please say it’s four.
Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.
Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.
Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?
I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.
The guy who first said “hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil” was a genius, but the next guy who put it with monkeys, not so much.
I try not to be loud in the office restroom stall unless my boss is in the restroom, because then I want to prove I’m not just goofing off.
I love that old Revolutionary War saying about shower sex “Don’t shoot until you see the soap in their eyes…” or something like that.
Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.