I’m “Since when did it become unacceptable for your socks to show” years old.
Give me Players for $500 Alex
“When you lose the game because you don’t have any moves”
What is checkmate?
“Wrong! What is your sex life”
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
HGTV has taught me you can do anything if you have the right tools. I’ve also learned that any handyman you hire will have those tools.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?
Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?
He thought he had job security…
“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
Protip: If your coworker has a picture of herself and her dog labeled “Beauty and the Beast” you shouldn’t ask her which one is which.
If you don’t think government is inefficient and wasteful, explain how the Census Bureau has been around so long yet we still use Fahrenheit
To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?
Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?
No one makes eye contact in a restroom after being “loud” in a stall.
Women because they’re embarrassed
Men because they’ll start laughing