Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.
The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.
I’m so sorry
I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.
The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.
TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
M: Oh…
“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”
~Me passing out candy on Halloween
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.
Protip: If you’re bad at geography and someone asks about an obscure country just say “isn’t that where the oiled up Olympics guy is from?”
Top Six Uses Of Strategic Planning:
6. Politics
5. Sports
4. Investing
3. Business
2. Military
1. Returning home from guys/girls night out
If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.
I had a bowl of Cap’n Crunch cereal for the first time in a long time last weekend. The roof of my mouth should be healed in a few days.
If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.
I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.