All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…
I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.
I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…
Top Four Signs of Job Security:
4. Promotions and raises
3. Specialized skills
2. Top producer
1. Compromising photos of the boss
What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?
My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.
Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.
Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer
Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…
Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
Top Seven Things Men Don’t See Coming:
7. Plot twists
6. Police cruiser
5. Love
4. Trash day
3. Health issues
2. Her reaction
1. That
Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…
[Heaven]
Saint Peter: Welcome to the pearly gates! You’re here early; you must be dying to get in! LOL
Me: Too soon…
I’m not saying it’s hard for me to lose weight, I’m just saying if you interrupt me when I’m eating I’m starting over.
Top Five Accountant Taboos:
5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
1. Sex
How to paint a live flamingo:
1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it