I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.
Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still…
National Margarita Day is like any other day except…
“Aye yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai”
*passes out*
Show me someone who says they haven’t used chemistry since school and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t ignore warnings on bathroom cleaners
I’m not saying it would kill me to work out, I’m just saying my wife bought me a gym membership and doubled my life insurance…
Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard
Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.
Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??
Relationships are easy as pie!
*burns pie*
Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!
You’re welcome!
All I’m saying is if you really want someone to dance with you, you probably shouldn’t tell them to shut up.
Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.
“Wow, this toilet is really uncomfortable…”
~Me drunk in the hot tub as my guests throw themselves out
To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…
You have to love a boss with a sense of humor. Mine just sent me a 7am meeting notice on Outlook and I’ve never laughed so hard…