Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?
The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…
All I’m saying is if you don’t want me to walk into the women’s restroom put words not pictures on the doors…
Four Worst Feelings Ever:
4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic
I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…
Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…
If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?
Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?
[work email]
Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!*hides bag of steaks*
I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered “liquor?”
All is not a trick question. Apparently
It’s hard for me to believe that the new Star Wars trailer has already been seen millions of times. How do they even know where it’s parked?
What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?
Wishful thinking. Obviously
Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?
My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…