Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I back into a parking spot at the grocery store when she’s in the passenger seat with cars waiting on her side.
Odds I accidentally turn off a room’s lights when controlling house lights from my phone:
Any room my wife is not in – 1%
Any room my wife is in – 92%
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.
Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I’ll put a whisk in the spatula drawer when I’m emptying the dishwasher.
I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.
Pfizer: Our new Covid vaccine needs to be stored at minus seventy degrees which will create logistics issues.
My wife: Would you like to use our bedroom?
The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.
If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.
The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.
What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?
My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.
I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.
I can’t wait.