I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.
All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
Best things to pull:
9 Rank
8 Strings
7 The plug
6 The trigger
5 Your leg
4 Your head out
3 A fast one
2 Yourself together
1 My finger
Not to brag but I can keep up with the fast part of the chicken dance…
[Inventor of scented candles]
What if we made candles that could fill up a room with a lovely smell but made a disgusting smoke that would undo hours of scent when blown out?
All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.
Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.
Millennial: blank stare
You would think that if the wife left clean dishes in one side of the sink it would be okay for you to leave dirty dishes in the other side of the sink. You would think…
I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.
I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.
Protip: Never take a screenshot with the camera sound on in the restroom at work. You will get strange looks as you exit the stall…