Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
Let me show you how you can claim your dog as a dependent on your tax return.
~Me flirting
I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.
If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I blow out her scented candles when she’s not looking.
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[I just learned that different colors of the heart emoji mean different things]
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“GUYS! GET UP! THE HOME INVASION ALARM IS GOING OFF AGAIN!”
~My dog when the doorbell rings
All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?
PSA:
Drunks will undercook grilled chicken every single time.
Friends don’t let friends get drunk and grill chicken.
All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.
Ladies,
Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.
Men
I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Do you think his parents looked at him as a baby and said “You look like an Engelbert Humperdinck”?