gas pump: do you want a receipt? Y/N
me: *presses yes*
gas pump:
me: *pressing harder* YES
gas pump: lol nope
Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.
I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.
Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.
I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
The best thing about the first day at a new job is nobody knows I only have one outfit.
Starting a diet is a lot like starting a lawn mower, you struggle and sweat and end up on the couch eating ice cream with your shirt off.
Accidentally switched the baby formula with coconut milk and now my newborn is complaining that her lullabies are “too mainstream.”
Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.
Dr: I’m giving u a proton-pump inhibitor
Me: LIKE A GHOSTBUSTER?
D: No for acid reflu *sees tears welling in my eyes* yes for busting ghosts
[cats at shelter]
Where’s Frank?
“Got adopted 3 weeks ago. Gone soft too. Healthcare plan. Hypoallergenic blanket. Goes by Mr. Boots now.”
The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.
The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.