Just got kicked out of Walmart for having a concealed belly button.
“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd
*lies down on couch*
*turns on TV*
*covers up with blanket*
*adjusts pillows perfectly*
[from other room: “Honey can you come here please?”]
Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.
[cat support technician]
Me: So you’re here to fix my computer?
Cat: *nods*
Me: Great, here it is.
Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*
You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.
[at home on video conference call]
Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.
*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
Sometimes a man has needs that can’t be fulfilled in the home.
[goes to animal shelter and pets all the cats]
On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.
*wife grabs my wrist as I go overboard*
Her: You’re… slipping…
Me: Pretend I’m the covers.
*she easily pulls me to safety with one arm*
Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.
It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!
My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.