When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.
My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.
It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.
When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.
My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.
[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?
Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!
When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat
The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.
Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?