Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.
I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me between 2 and 50 times and you’re my 5yo getting out of bed at night.
Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.
My 5yo has gone from simply repeating back everything I say to now repeating back everything I say but with a question mark at the end. This should serve as a reminder to us all that no matter how bad things are they can always get worse.
ME: *goes on mute after giving update on a conference call*
MY 4 Y/O: [standing behind me baffled] daddy, what does any of that even mean?
ME: i don’t know, girl. i don’t know
The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.
If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.
My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.
Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.
ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’
One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.
High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
My 4yo just came up to me and said “daddy, there are some things you don’t know” and then walked away. I don’t know if I should be offended or frightened.
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.