Last night my 4yo said a prayer for all the people in the world including “Africa, Asia and Syrup.” From now on, I will be referring to Europe only as Syrup.
BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home
ME: please, i have a family
My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
MY ANCESTOR: [running full speed through a field to avoid a lion]
ME: [in an air conditioned gym realizing i forgot my earbuds] no way i can run like this
I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.
I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.
cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises exposing my entire stomach*
cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN
COWORKER: donuts in the break room want me to grab you one?
ME: no thanks i’m on a diet
CW: are you sur-
M: OK BUT I’LL JUST HAVE THREE
[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy
A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.
If you eat french fries and then drink a milkshake, every time you burp it will taste like a donut. Please continue following me on the twitter dot com for more life inspiration.
I was getting mad in traffic earlier and my 3-year-old said “all you can do is calm down and let the cars go” and now I have a therapist.
Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.
Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.