I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”
My wife can spot me dropping a single crumb anywhere in our house from 50 feet away but her car looks like a Starbucks exploded inside of it.
My toddler woke me up last night to tell me it wasn’t morning yet, which to be honest is the same level of hard hitting journalism cable news provides.
Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.
Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.
No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.
I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.
I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.
Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.
You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.
Not sure why “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it” is supposed to be a bad thing. It sounds pleasant. I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
All my coworkers put tape over the cameras on their laptops but not me. I don’t care if anybody sees me sighing for 8 hours a day.
I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.
My wife and I just finished an intense 6-month mediation to pick the movie we’re going to fall asleep 10 minutes into.