Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going out and spending hours talking and drinking we can spend hours waiting for a toddler to eat a chicken tender.
Just overheard my 2-year-old exclaim “YAY I DID IT” from the other room. What I learn next will either be exhilarating or horrifying.
Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.
WIFE: so what do you want for christmas?
ME: [thinking about a bed made out of lasagna and instead of kicking off the sheets at night i eat a layer of noodles] oh probably some tools
There should be an Uber for somebody to come over and wrap all your presents.
Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.
Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.
I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight and they’re already unbuttoned.
Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me so now I have to hide it like it’s a dead body.
[fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa
Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.
I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.