Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I’ve ever said as a dad or a human.
[trying to stop my toddler’s tantrum in a restaurant]
*harsh whisper* If you don’t cut it out right now then there’s nothing else I can do
STUNTMAN ON TV: don’t try this at home
ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok
Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.
Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.
My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.
I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.
The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
The scene in Rocky where he breaks open raw eggs and drinks them but me breaking open Cadbury eggs into a glass of chocolate milk.
My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.
They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.
Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA
Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.