My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
You know you’re getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn’t say anything back.
WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?
ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?
No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.
They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.
My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.
Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.
I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.
Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.
Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.
Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.
REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*