I used to watch the Olympics on TV as a child and dream of growing up and also watching the Olympics on TV but on a better TV.
If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.
I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.
[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]
[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute
My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.
Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.
Just Friends is my favorite movie that shows fat guys how to get out of the friendzone through perseverance and becoming Ryan Reynolds.
*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?
[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know
We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.
Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.