It really doesn’t feel like Christmas until Pavarotti is singing “Oh Holy Night” to the counterpoint of my wife shouting at the cats to get out of the tree
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“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief
airports are so funny. like “oh you’re flying across the country? would you like to hang out in a mall first”
You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.
Me: This milk tastes funny
Lactating clown: Thank you
i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30
[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?
Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.
In Canada they just call them geese
so weird when you meet a girl with the same name as your sister because they’re like hi I’m Jenna and you’re like no you are not. I’m sorry but you are not
Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started
Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton
“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”
The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge
Hey, girl. I noticed you checking out my Hello Kitty socks. Just so you know…the boxers match.
*winks*
Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.
*Picks up a grudge, holds it up with a pair of tongs, brings it closer to his nose n sniffs it, examines it for cracks*
“Yes, this is still good. We shall hold on to this one for another four years.”
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.
5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?
me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves
My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.
3yo told me to watch her show, sat me on the living room couch, asked if I’d like a drink, brought me a fake glass of wine, said “the show is about to begin,” hid in the wings, then returned and whispered discretely that my children were not behaving and I’d have to leave.
“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code
Me: “I feel like this bottom tooth has shifted, they’re not as straight as they should be.”
Orthodontist: “Are you wearing your Invisalign trays every night?”
Me: …
…
… “What’s your point?”
Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?
Me: As many free office supplies as possible.
I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.
Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.
Stop being friends with whoever says you can’t twerk to Led Zeppelin.
You don’t need that negativity in your life.
We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.
DENTIST: I need to test how sensitive you are
ME: Ok
DENTIST: You have a stupid haircut
ME *lip starts trembling*
DENTIST: I see
You are what you delete.
My real mom put me up for adoption because the cat was allergic to me 🙁