Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.
When I told my 12 year old that I’d be back in 1 hour and was 15 mins late:
Him: Where were you, I was worried!
Me: I had to make an extra stop, you could have texted me.
Him: YOU SAID 1 HR!
ME: Sorry……dad?
The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.
Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.
Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.
My 12 year old saw one tick at this cabin and now he’s requesting an airborne tactical extraction.
My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.
I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!
*FINALLY gets truck washed*
*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*
If you see something, say something.
My dog: i got this
I’m withholding sex from my wife right now but she won’t realize it for 6 to 8 weeks.
*scoops litter everyday for 17 yrs*
Kids: We want a kitten!
Me: How about unlimited candy, an Xbox and a PS5 instead?
“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.
I don’t understand why people want a sandwich after sex. I just want my money back.
Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”