A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.
Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
After clipping my toddler’s fingernails for over 2 years, I think I could diffuse a bomb while riding a roller coaster.
I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.
The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.
Mom: Some stranger keeps answering your land line.
Me: That’s because I haven’t had a land line in 7 years, Ma.
5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.
My wife went into labor this morning and I was excited until I saw that it’s somebody’s birthday on FB that I didn’t like.
Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”
You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.
If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.
– dead people
Me: It’ll just make mom grumpy, so don’t tell her that the dishwa…..
4 year old: MOM! DISHWASHER’S BROKEN!
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.