Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what
Son: the tooth fairy didn’t leave me any money
Me, forgetting he put a tooth under his pillow because I was up playing Fortnite until 4am: yeah I’m afraid she died
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton
[god inventing cupcakes]
God: they’re basically cakes but way smaller
Angel: ah I see, portion contr-
God: and then you just eat like 90 of em
Wife: can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: ok that’s low, Sharon
[wakes up to crying in the night]
Wife: can you go check the baby
Me, climbing back into bed 2 mins later: yeah that was the baby
[army training]
Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
Wife: why are you smiling?
[realizing if Blue from Blue’s Clues and Clifford had puppies they’d be purple]
Me: I was thinking about you.
Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.
Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.
Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?
“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
Daughter: How was your day, Daddy?
Me: Pretty busy, lots of meetings and deadlines.
Her: DEAD LIONS!?!