Personal trainer: How’s your diet been going?
Me: Absolutely amazing
Personal trainer: May I ask what you’ve been eating?
Me: You may not
Every kid in my second grader’s class is assigned a “job” each week, most are things like watering the plants or sharpening pencils but one of the jobs is “tech support” because every 7-year-old knows more about technology than the teacher.
Sorry I didn’t call you back, I got distracted for 7 years when I had kids
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine
Got tired of my kids asking to go to the beach every single day so this week for family movie night, I’ve decided the kids are finally old enough to watch Jaws
Do my kids help me cook? No.
But do they like what I cook? Also no.
Ok, but do they at least come when I call them to eat? *deepest, longest sigh imaginable*
I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids
Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”
Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”
Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”
Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails
Me, to teenage son: You just keep trying and trying until it eventually goes in
Wife, whispering to me: What the hell were you teaching him about
Me: USB sticks
Wife: Oh thank god
My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.
Willy Wonka making Charlie the CEO of the Wonka company was actually a pretty smart business move considering the lawsuits the company will be getting after the murder tour
Priest: I want to teach you about a higher power
Kid: my dad?
Priest: haha no, even more powerful
Kid *nodding* mom