A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It鈥檚 like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.
being a parent can be really hard but one day your kid will do something simple like bring you breakfast in bed and in that moment you’ll know in your heart that you have to go and clean the kitchen
Me: *throws banana peel onto the ground*
Wife: what are you doing?!
Me: what? They’re biodegradable
Wife: *picks peel off the bedroom floor*
Me: what’s wrong?
Wife: you’re not supposed to say you have a favorite child
Me: everyone does secretly
Wife: well it should at least be one of ours
Kid: Can I get a new toy?
Me: No, Christmas is coming and you’ll get presents then
Kid: Can I have a candy bar?
Me: No, maybe Santa will bring you candy
Kid: A granola bar?
Me: Ask Santa 馃槈
Kid: A drink of water?
Me (only half listening): On Christmas
Wife: is he okay?!
Doctor: he will be fin-
Me: *slips him $20*
Doctor: he’ll never walk again
Me: *acting surprised* oh no, and on the day we were gonna put up the Christmas lights!
Me: Have you had a shower, and brushed your teeth?
Son: Yes of course
Me: It doesn’t look like it
Son: oh you mean this week?
wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle
me: *putting down the ketchup* ok
Me: I’m inviting Doug to watch the game
Wife: I thought you were mad at Doug bc he still hasn’t returned our shop vac
Me: I’m over it
[halftime, 2 beers later]
TV: 馃幎Like a good neighbor, state farm is there馃幎
Me: you know what else a good neighbor does, Doug?
Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.
My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He鈥檚 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.
Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.
son: how did I get my name
me: *holds up baby name book*
son: ugh terrible
me: shut up ISBN 978-1910336526
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state of the art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I鈥檓 beneath the earth in a cave please
If you鈥檙e gonna name your son after you, at least make it interesting. Like, instead of Junior, go with something like 鈥淛eff 2: Revenge of the Jeff