I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.
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The main reason I don’t want to monetise my Twitter in any way isn’t so much on principle but more out of the shame I would feel if I had to disclose “low quality anonymous shitposting” to the Tax Office all for $4.50 in annual profits
Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry
Card reader: this is not looking good
Me: mf’er, reshuffle it
[In football huddle]
“What do you guys think happens when we die?”
{After Eclipse}
Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?
A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table
my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.
Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.
@funTweeters
Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm
6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?
Me: Absolutely not.
(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)
[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.
boss: you’re late
me: I broke down on the way here
boss: did they tow your car?
me: car?
A woman at my bar was talking about how she has hard time meeting men and I told her to just start conversations with people. A guy comes in and sits next to her and she turns to him and goes “where were you during 9/11?”
GF: “Call me ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Me: “Hi ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.
1990- I have three-way calling, we can all talk for hours
2015- don’t even leave me a voicemail unless you are dying or I won money
Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.
Me: No kidding.
[Haunted house]
Cardiologist: my heart’s racing
Anaesthetist: i feel nothing
Neurologist: {shaking}
Immunologist: it’s so dusty
Pulmonologist: {breathing heavy}
Orthodontist: {grinding teeth}
Optometrist: see that?
Proctologist: guys…{from top, first letter of each occupation}
Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.
Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?
Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat
I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.
My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.
doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what
Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much