Listen, it took 5 Guys to make that burger. That’s why it’s $16.99.
I went to AutoZone and asked for window shield wipers. Window shield. I can never go back.
41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?
6: how do you spell once?
Me: o-n-c-e
6: how do you spell upon?
Me: u-p-o-n
6: how do you spell-
Me: what are you doing?
6: writing a story. how do you spell…
It’s going to be a long weekend.
I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.
Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.
Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no
Taco Bell: Do you want hot sauce?
Me: [has entire drawers full of hot sauce packets] Yes please
6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…
It’s taken 7 years but I’m beginning to see the correlation between my kid’s hyperactivity and his sugar intake.
Friend: What have you been watching lately?
Me: Zoom
Barber: How do you want it?
Me [gets the same haircut every time]: UUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.
Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!
Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*