I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.
I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.
The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.
I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.
If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.
Last night, a cop pulled me over. “Out of the car!” he said. Then an Indian, fireman and construction worker appeared. We danced until dawn.
The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
As my girlfriend was trying on jeans, a clerk asked her “Need a bigger size?” I saw the look on her face and went to make room in the trunk.
That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”
My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”
I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?
My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.
My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.