I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.
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Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
when i die i wanna come back as a gerbil because they’re so cuddly and are notoriously vindictive, grudge-holding creatures
My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.
Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.
I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.
*rolls up sleeves*
*gets high on sleeves*
She hadn’t made a milkshake in years for fear that they would return.
She starts the blender reluctantly.
In the distance, screams.
The boys had returned. They were coming to her yard.
My 7yo decided to make his video game character “look like daddy” by making him a grumpy necktie-wearing gorilla covered with gray hair, and I’d be mad but honestly the resemblance is uncanny
When, in the future, someone says “remember when we did that thing and had the most amazing time?” and you struggle to remember what year it happened…
One thing you can be sure of is that it didn’t happen in 2020
New Year, New Me
New Me [looking around]: absolutely not
Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.
broke: animals can’t go to heaven because they don’t wait til marriage to have sex
woke: u can teach a parrot to say the sinner’s prayer, parrots will be in heaven, parrots everywhere
[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*
My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”
Have kids. It’s fun.
I just saw a tiktok of Meghan Trainor putting tomato sauce, mozzarella, and pepperoni on a RICE CAKE and called it pizza. Nary a drop of Italian blood in my body but I am not ashamed to admit that I wept.
They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.
I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.
13: Mom, you look younger every day.
M: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
M: How young?
13: 29
M: Done.
I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.
Me: I really ought to eat more fruit
Also me: I donut think so
When you can’t find your friend Neil
Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.
ME: So listen, if we pay a little extra, can we have the baby in color, instead of black-and-white?
ULTRASOUND TECHNICIAN: Sir, I’m gonna explain this one more time…
Obvious red flags:
*he’s jealous of any and all carbs you eat, especially the breakfast kind
*he keeps pictures of celebrities in his wallet so he can mock their eyebrows
*he tries to control how you play with his dog, insisting she’s a level 10 necromancer
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
men, we mow at sunrise.
Me: Shhhhh. Keep it quiet…I’ll slip out of bed and find you around 3:00 am.
Leftover Pie:
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
[Wonder Woman shows up]
Superman: Is she with you?
Batman: I thought she was with you?
Wonder Woman: Bruce you literally emailed me today
I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂