friend: promise you didn’t get me a beeper
me: [from a distance] just open it
coroner: [pulling sheet over dead man] he’s gone
me: whoa magic
me: I think I left my phone charger on the plane
flight attendant: are you getting into the life boat or not
the first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack
me: what’s your biggest turnoff
her: noisy people
me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same
store clerk: it works exactly like a roomba but it’s a mower
me: excellent [opening wallet] I would LOVE shorter carpet
me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
[product design]
CEO: I want our dry grocery items to have built-in Ziploc closures
me: OK should they be easy to open?
CEO: absolutely not
[training to be a meat cutter]
butcher: you’re gonna want to take notes
me: ok [pulls out marker and giant roll of paper]
waiter: would you like a box
me: how is it prepared
stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did
michael scott: that’s what she said
I’m so full I could puke a horse
[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers
me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]
him: [on deathbed] NURSE
me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]
him: is that all you got
me: yeah inflation’s bad