ceo: our customers are demanding ziploc seals for all of our bagged foods
product engineer: ok do you want me to make them easy to open
ceo: lol no
doctor: can you bend down and touch the ground with your fingertips
me: [struggling] nope
doctor: try without the stilts
me: [taking the last bite of a big meal] now I’m ready for a long nap
executioner: coming right up
[taking the last bite of a big meal]
date: what would you like to do next
me: poop
me: [arguing] oh so I’m too bossy?
girlfriend: I think I need a break
me: [checks clipboard] says here you already had one today
me: do you gift wrap
drug dealer: what
[first time hunting]
friend: I’m out of shells do you have any
me: *choking on pistachio* a few
my name if I was in the mob
proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
me: I think I’m losing my marbles
proctologist: I’m finding them
wife: did you vacuum under the couch
me: yep I did the whole basement
[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one
me: [eating tapeworms] I’m just getting hungrier