me: I want to buy some drugs
dealer: are you a cop
me: would I get a discount
me: I need to speak with the megaster
megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers
[commercial for kinder eggs]
are you tired of mean eggs
[about to have sex]
her: put on this blindfold
me: I think a condom would be safer
[first day working in mcdonald’s drive-thru]
customer: I’d like to pay for the guy behind me, too
me: he’s not on the menu
NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
[Christmas shopping]
me: I’m looking for a toy for my son
clerk: how old?
me: something new please
[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man
me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment
receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month
me: ok I’ll hold
[first time in a bed]
me: this blanket is really heavy
salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress
store clerk: can I help you find anything
me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*
[crashing my bike]
spin class instructor: how did you do that
[about to have sex]
her: I can tell this is your first time
me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds
doctor: I’m going to take out your appendix
me: oh okay *shouts at my belly* YOU HAVE A SUITOR
cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer
me: were they favorable