mobster: *choking me with garrote*
me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
gorilla trainer: don’t make direct eye contact with him he sees it as a threat
gorilla optometrist: uh oh
cop: show me your hands
dahmer: *opens fridge*
murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil
[being pulled from a burning car]
fireman: any idea how it started?
me: I used my keys
wife: did you pee on the seat
me: maybe a little
bus driver: ok both of you off now
me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room
her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much
me: *points at coffin* well not everyone
[filming lord of the rings: fellowship]
peter jackson: great scene
sean bean: thanks but it’s pronounced “shawn”
me: where do I pay
doctor: on your way out
me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral
me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other
mime teacher: *thumbs up*
her: wow your armpit is really big
me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer
[dumping my father-in-law’s ashes into the trash bin]
wife: I should have been the one to do it
me: just tell him to quit smoking in our house
me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose
CDC: no