king arthur: has anyone seen the guy who cuts open everyone’s boils
*knights murmuring*
sir lancelot: I’m here your majesty
me: hey dad will you pass the turkey
dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son
[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey
[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
me: [climbing a tree]
bonsai artist: please stop
[touring beyonce’s house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it
me: this glass is too small
bartender: would you prefer a tumbler
me: yes
acrobat: what can I get you
doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…
doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week
me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one
me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?
therapist: yes help yourself
me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here
[first day as a real estate agent]
me: as you can see this is a beautiful house
client: how many floors does it have
me: *scratching head* um a lot I think there’s one in every room
me: I forgot my line
movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip
[field sobriety test]
cop: stand with one foot off the ground and count 1001, 1002, and so on until I say stop
flamingo: oh hell yeah
dad: snapping a pic of your grandma in her coffin is weird
me: it’s socially acceptable these days
dad: just hurry up so we can put her back in the ground
me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty