waking up to good morning texts from your partner is great and all, but have you ever woken up to a message from Amazon confirming that your package will be delivered today?
behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”
“just sayin” who asked you though?
Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..
My birthstone is a sushi roll.
If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.
I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.
Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.
Flying cockroach: hahahahaha
[amazon dropping off my order]
Me: yes! my new recliner arrived!
Cat: yes! my new scratch pad arrived!
Me:
Cat: Tomato Tomahto
Cauliflower is just broccoli that’s seen a ghost.
Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.
*falls from grace*
PARKOUR!
According to HR, putting a middle finger emoji at the end of my auto-reply before going on vacation, is apparently not acceptable.
Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
[on a first date in a restaurant]
him: so what did you do last weekend?
me: I binge watched one of my favourite Netflix shows.
him: binge watched? haha, I can’t ever watch more than one episode at a time
me: lmao! *turns round* CHECK, PLEASE!