Accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now i run around the house uncontrollably at night.
My brain considers names irrelevant information.
Every time I meet someone new and they introduce themselves, my brain just goes “nope, that name goes in the bin”
Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.
My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.
There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.
Mum: get me a plate
Me: which plate?
Mum: any plate, doesn’t matter
*brings plate*
Mum: no not that one
I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.
Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.
There are two types of people in this world, avoid both.
Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.
Dear everyone,
I’ve seen all of your tweets this year.
You’re all getting dictionaries for Christmas.Sincerely,
Santa Claus.
Everybody’s gangsta until they drop their phone face down on the ground.
The feminine urge to sneeze with wet mascara.
That’s right, I always have subtitles on. Do you know how hard it is to hear anything over the sound of munching snacks?
Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.