Me: They call me snowcone
Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown
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“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.
Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.
*whispers* forlorn corn.
My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn’t make the cut this year.
Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.
Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?
Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!
“This is a masterpiece!”
“This, too is a masterpiece!”
“Another masterpiece!”My dog, to every blade of grass in the same yard every morning while I’m late for work.
genie: and for your third wish?
me: that you fall in love with me
[later]
me: hey babe, our anniversary’s coming up and here’s my wish list
Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
Kids: [inside playing on their phones]
Me: OMG it’s beautiful today, go outside.
[3 minutes later]
Kids: [outside playing on their phones]
Next time someone falls asleep next to me on a plane they are going to wake up to me holding their hand and lovingly gazing into their eyes asking “What are we???”
“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”
Why aren’t therapists on call? What, am I supposed to just wait a week to tell a medical professional that I’m suspicious of people in hats??
doctor: i have good news and bad news. the bad news is your wife is going to be a widow
me: [devastated] what’s the good news
doctor: [pulls out engagement ring] not for long
It’s like grandpa always used to say, “even though granny washed them, I could always tell which underwear I wore on Taco Tuesday.”
4: mom, [6] said if I eat my broccoli he’ll give me a prize, will you give me a prize too?
me: well, being healthy and strong is a good prize
4: no
I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.
7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
“You think only God can judge you?”
*Judge Judy spins around in chair to face you*
“Well THINK AGAIN!”
*bangs gavel so hard it breaks*
but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time
If you force me to attend weekly Teams staff meetings AND have my camera on then you’ll just have to tolerate my flossing.
how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense
With just a few days until Christmas Amazon trucks should be treated like emergency vehicles. If you see them coming with their sirens on you best pull over and let them pass. People are getting worried about their packages, ya’ll.
You are what you delete.
Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?
Me: 100%
People keep wishing January was over like the worst month of the year isn’t coming up next. Thats like wishing someone would stop arguing with you and just punch you in the face.
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.