i was once in a long-distance relationship and she called me one day crying and admitted she’d cheated on me, and i should have broken it off then but i was young and smitten so i said “it’s ok, i forgive you, just promise you won’t do it again” and she said “no”
i love reading online product reviews because there will be 8,000 that say “this blender is amazing, highly recommended” and one that will be like “garbage, do not buy, i tried to blend concrete and a crowbar and the thing broke immediately”
the concept of santa actually pisses me off a lot. i work hard all year to buy my kids presents, but all the credit goes to some fat old guy who squeezes down my chimney, eats my food, makes out with my wife, and disappears. this is bullshit
you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic
[first date]
her: so what are you looking for?
me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp
flight attendant looks at me then looks at the no smoking sign then looks back at me then looks at the brisket i have in my smoker
someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting
cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry
me: some of your colleagues are chasing me
friend: what r u up to
me: eating 3 pounds of pasta
friend: what r u training for
me: eating 5
going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason
the girl from the ring starts crawling out of the tv, stops halfway, looks around my room, and crawls back into the tv
my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive
scoring in hockey: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in baseball: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in basketball: 2, 4, 6, 8, 10
scoring in tennis: love, 15, 30, 40, turkey sandwich, spider, 57, keanu reeves
the funniest historical moment was when achilles’ mom, knowing that dunking him in the river styx would make him invulnerable, didn’t take an extra 2 seconds to dip his heel in to make sure he was 100% covered. just the laziest shit ever
alexander graham bell: i invented the telephone!
his brother, taco: i’m working on some pretty big stuff too