Me to pregnant friend: Instead of practicing on a doll, I recommend you try to bathe, diaper, and swaddle a cat.
Friend: [exaggerated eye roll]
***6 months later***
Friend: Why didn’t anyone prepare me for reality?
Me: … [whispers] meow.
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I had the whole English language available to me and I used “weirdo” twice. But when you’re confronted with a weirdo…well that’s why we have the word weirdo.
Guy on airplane: What’s your drink of choice?
Me: Vodka
Guy: That’s classy
Me: Not in the amounts I drink
Psssst … Hey buddy … One hit of this stuff’ll take you right back to ’79
*slides over packet of Pop Rocks*
Kurt Cobain: come as you are, as you were, as I want you to be
Me: in a duck costume
Kurt Cobain: not like that
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch an ounce of ganja
Jack lit up and took a puff
And Jill cuffed him. She was DEA. Jack died in prison.
Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal
If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.
[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]
Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.
Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.
Doctor: How your diet?
Me: My what now?
BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.
I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.
If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.
Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb
Guy: *combing teeth* thanks
I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.
“Must you lick the knife?”
“Sorry,force of habit” I said “Loads of people do it though, don’t they?”
“Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor”
Me: “I poop when I’m nervous.”
Doctor: “How often does this occur?”
Me: “I’m extremely nervous right now.”
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: ugh yeah the spacing wouldn’t format properly
Interviewer: OMG I hate that
*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake
The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
Kids are great at pretend play, like how they pretend no one’s home when the doorbell rings haha wait just kidding ain’t no way they’re doin’ that.
Today is the first New Moon after Jan 21sr. Happy New Year to Chinese people and all who choose to be Chinese for a day.
The early 2000s
My friends: I met a boy in a chat room, he was so cool
Me: *having just roleplayed a sword wielding, scarred half elf in a tavern chat room* yes I also very boys
I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.
Two companies that hate each other? Probably KIA and …Nokia
Both ‘Horrid’ and ‘Crummy’ are underrated descriptions. Teach your children Victorian adjectives and be eternally amused.
Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.
Music can take you places instantly.
Like whenever I hear Nickelback
playing on my car radio…It instantly takes me to another station.