I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.
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Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.
If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…
Except I don’t do housework.
my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me
me, minding my own business as a vegan:
someone: oK bUt If YoU wErE sTrAnDeD oN a DeSeRtEd IsLaNd aNd YoU hAd tO eAt mEaT tO sUrViVe
What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?
I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.
HELLO? HELP! I’VE BEEN KIDNAPPED & DROPPED IN A NON-ENGLISH-SPEAKING COUNTRY & I DON’T KNOW- wait. Nm. Fell asleep at Szechuan Palace again.
Dropped mother-in-law at airport.
Her flight isn’t until Tuesday, but with security and all, best to play it safe.
Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”
The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?
Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.
Things that are dangerous-
-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks
Star Trek was my favorite show as a kid because I liked to fantasize about getting beamed off this planet.
It’s my favorite show now for the same reason.
ah yes the two sexualities, queer and italian
Netflix and awkward silence?
Person: so, how are we today?
Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks
Stranger: Twitter is awful.
Me: It really isn’t most people are nice.
Stranger: But there are bad people…
Me: Sure, I just block them.
Stranger: See…there…you can’t do that in RL.
Me: Yes, you can….watch….(walks away from them).
Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage
Me: I’ll take one insurance
Insurance salesman: It doesn’t work like that
Me: *shoving $12 in his breast pocket* your best one, please
The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂
So many recipes say they can be made with stuff you definitely have in your kitchen already, but then none of them ever call for expired sour cream or the giant extra thing of red pepper flakes you bought by accident.
At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.
For the record I support all forms of pizza. Deep dish, thin crust, large folded, all good. Delivery? Yes. Home made? You bet. A man covering himself with sauce and cheese and standing outside my window singing Air Supply? It’s a yes from me, pal.
Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours
When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…
Y’know, to buy myself some time.
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.